Miley Cyrus: Its Not You, Its Them

I really wish the media would leave Miley Cyrus alone. 

Its been 3 days now (or maybe only 2...seems like eternity that I've been hearing about it) of ad nauseam media coverage mocking this singer/entertainer about her performance at ... (I'm not even sure where this occurred since I haven't watched it and don't intend to). 

For starters, the media and every single person forwarding, links, commenting on the negative photos/videos/articles is participating in cyber bullying.  Plain and simple.  They are mocking and ridiculing a young woman because of a public performance (optimal word being 'performance').

What the media is doing is NOT constructive criticism.  Its not honest, well intended feedback that's meant to promote better entertainment or to better enlighten our children as to the reasons "why" this performance was likely not well thought out and does NOT reflect what our society believes is provocative entertainment.

Each article I've seen so far is targeted at further degradation of a young woman who likely was following the instructions of her manager/choreographer and/or others who felt a young woman's perceived image was less important than a powerful, blatant, in-your-face statement of what they believe is sexy and cutting edge.  Maybe an epic FAIL???  Possibly, but certainly not worthy of the personal condemnation I continue to read over and over again directed at Miley Cyrus.

Even if Miley did come up with this idea...even if she had been thinking, planning, practicing it for months and had to do whatever she could to convince those around her to approve it, it doesn't make it OK to target her for this type of bullying. 

She's young, she's immature and she (or whomever's idea this was) has been led to believe that society believes this is sexy, provocative and attractive.  That does not make it ok to bully her.  It does not make her worthy of mass public humiliation and mockery.

Imagine if your child was videoed at a party doing something similar to this (God knows many kids likely have) and this video went viral and the public out lash against your child was even a fraction of what Miley is receiving.  Imagine that.

In a perfect, non-judgemental, non-bullying world Miley should be able to do whatever she wants without public out lash.  We should NOT be judging one another on gimmicky gestures intended to for entertainment, a laugh or perhaps a misguided sense of what a woman feels is sexy.    Much like a woman's choice in clothing does not make her worthy of rape or make her a slut.

Miley SHOULD be able to perform like this and not be labelled,(it is a performance after all).  Miley SHOULD be able to make her own choices (and honestly I hope this was her choice and that she was not acting on the direction of others) and those who don't like her choices should simply choose to not watch, or offer well intended constructive feedback...not jokes, not demeaning names, not harsh labels.

I find it hard to believe that this performance sums up "who" Miley Cyrus is as a person.  If this is who she wants to be as an entertainer, then as a 'watcher' you have the choice to turn it off (and constructively say "this is not my idea of entertainment" ) or you have the choice to resort to being a bully.  Personally, I'd rather hang with Miley "the Entertainer" than you "the Bully".



Note:  From the snapshots representing this video I have chosen to "turn it off".  I respect that Miley made her choice and I expect respect that I make mine.  Its not my idea of what is entertaining, sexy or artistically thought provoking.

I want to raise my daughters to think like lesbians

God I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but its true and  I can't stop thinking about it.

I think it deserves more thought.

As my daughters start to quickly enter the age of "playmates" this concept continues to grow in my mind.  I'm still working to articulate it so I think this may be a returning topic for me...at least until I figure out how a mother raises a child who is confident about who she is, doesn't conform to social pressures and is still kind to others (note: this of course can be taken to mean I have a high regard of lesbians).

I often tell my sister (mother to only boys) you have to raise them 'not to be rapists'.  She's commonly offended with how I word this.  But, I keep wording it that way.  Mostly because I want the shock value to make an impact but also because I think its such an important message.  Teach your boys to respect themselves and women.  Rapists do not respect women so its suffice to say if you teach your boys to respect women then it'll be one less issue to deal with.

If we teach our boys to respect women, to respect themselves, sex may not be a priority for them.  Maybe, just maybe it'll be more than that (or less than that, depending which way your looking at this topic).

If women think 'attracting a guy' is less about sex and more about social engagement, perhaps we can avoid women identifying themselves as sexual objects, with the pressure to act, dress, talk a certain way to be 'liked'. 

So, as a mother, my mind wanders over multiple solutions to raising daughters who do not feel the need to 'attract a guy' and potentially feel the need to demoralize themselves.  I keep coming back to the same thought; what if they only want to attract women.

Maybe this is the answer to my dilemma.

•  If women are focused on attracting women, they are less likely to perceive the other woman as sexual objects, after all, if they perceived the other woman as a sexual object, then they would be perceiving themselves as sexual objects as well. Instead, they're more likely to identify with the person of interest, and treat that person according to how they themselves would want to be treated.  Imagine our children treating each other as true equals in the physical, sexual and emotional sense.
• Women tend to be more emotionally attracted to people while physical attraction tends to be secondary. It stands to reason then that behaviour focused on attraction will be directed more towards the emotional well-being of a person rather the physical (ie they will be less likely to 'dress for the attraction' but rather act a certain way to generate attention, hopefully positively).
• I want them to be in touch with their own bodies.  Being focused on members of the same gender makes them more understanding of what they want and vice versa.  Knowing limitations and expectations will make them more confident in who they are and I hope, will make them more confident in standing up for their wants and their expectations (both physically and emotionally).
• I want them to follow their minds and hearts.  To do what makes them happy and not what society tells them they should do (assuming they aren't hurting anyone or breaking the law that is).  I want them to know that its ok to make choices for themselves, to be a little bit selfish and most of all to realize their own happiness and success.
• I want them to be empathetic.  To understand that each person is faced with challenges.  Not that I think lesbianism is a challenge, rather that at times general social acceptance is challenging, not that it should be but for now we'll acknowledge that it is and when one is faced with adversity for simply being who they are, they are more empathetic to others around them who also are faced with adversity.  I want my daughters to be empathetic to those around them and realize that we are all individuals and we are all important.
• I want them to be open to other thoughts, choices and decisions and understand that, while these choices may shape us, they do not define who we are.  Who we are is more than a label and more than a choice.  We need to get to 'know' people to really determine who they are.
• I want my daughters to feel good about themselves, to be around others who think they are good too (and not simply sexual objects).  I want them to value their worth amongst their equals, equals on all levels where all parties share the same understanding of equality.

Can I raise my daughters with these traits without the lesbian label?  Probably.  Possibly.  But in reality, statistics tell me the odds are not in my favour.

For what its worth, I think if I had boys I'd also like to raise them as lesbians.  I think the world would be a better place for it.

Going Camping: A Lesson in Staying Married While on the Go.

This weekend, for many in the Great White North, kicks off our summer.  Its the 1st long weekend of the "warm'ish" weather (not sure you can describe our bunny hug wearing, socks with sandles type weather as warm but for those of us north of the 49th parallel, its either winter or BBQ season (aka for many, camping season) and May Long Weekend officially marks BBQ season.

Dearest Husband and I are NOT campers.  We've been there, done that.  I did it as a living for a while (not a professional camper but rather a job that required camping). I've done bare bones camping (carry in-carry out), the drive to the lake and unpack everything but the kitchen sink camping, I've done helicopter/airplane supported camping, freeze dried food, fishing lodge camping (in a tent and in a cabin, sort of), I've done hike-in-in-the-middle-of-no-where camping, the ATV camping, the drive through northern Canada camping, the I-don't-have-enough-money-for-a-hotel camping AND the I-don't-have-enough-money-for-a-hotel-or-tent camping (aka, back of the car), I've done the Grand Canyon camping and I've done the in-the-back-yard camping. 

This weekend officially kicks off a new experience for me (and my husband) with the RV camping.

Now, from experience I'm going to say that this weekend may indeed be a good example of how to Stay Married while on the go.

That's right.  I have high hopes that our trip this weekend will be the epiphany I've been looking for regarding camping, loving my husband, seeing our country AND coming home with a desire to repeat within the next 5 years.

With my 'frugal' travel style and my husband's lack of the DIY gene (but not knowing he lacks it) it should prove to be an intersting weekend. 

 

 

As we prepare to head out for our 1st expedition of the summer, in our 1st ever RV excursion, I will be following a few simple rules:

1. Be supportive. This effort is most important when one's husband is driving.  It includes avoiding comments such as; "slow down, this isn't a race", "please keep the RV in our own lane", "no, no, when I say right, I mean you need to turn the steering wheel to the right not the RV to the right (when backing up)", "awk, the RV needs to be level when you extend the sides!!!", "Well, I did tell you it needed to be level.  I have CAA, do you think it includes tipped over RV's??" None of the above comments, even if warranted, are classified as supportive and or required (obviously some are stating the obvious) especially in an emergency situation.  At all times its crucial that I refrain from commenting.
2. Be ok with both the mediocracy and anal retentive nature this trip may bring out.  Its funny, my husband does not really have a DIY gene in his body. Our newly renovated bathroom included about 6 hours of his time and about 60 of mine and about 60 more of my father's.  But, strangely enough in situations like camping (or RV'ing) he has the potential to inherit (or perhaps replicate) this gene in short spurts.  There's no rhyme or reason to it, it seems to pop up out of nowhere but often I'm rendered speechless when it comes through.  In the past I've commented on it, shocked and amazed.  That is a no-no.  I'm supposed to expect greatness from him (see rule #1).  But, I'm not supposed to question it when it dissappears (or he's not able to repeat then same task in subsequent efforts).
3. Sleep.  Even when traveling/vacationing, its important to sleep.  I have learned the hard way that lack of sleep equates to marital stress.  So while it seems a tad selfish and counterintuitive on a vacation (to sleep longer) it makes all those little bumps in the road (pun intended) easier to handle. So, I'll be sticking the kids in with Dear Husband and ensuring I get as much sleep as possible.  That way when things go sideways (they always do at least once), there's one rational, level headed adult to pick up the pieces (ha ha ha, ok, I'm saying this only because I want sleep...I shouldn't oversell the expectations of me keeping a level head).
4. If all else fails: Beer. Nuf said.

 

Anti-Bullying: The Hypocrisy

Perhaps its my recent (almost 4 years) launch into motherhood, perhaps its the effectiveness of social media, or perhaps its simply the stories that have surfaced have finally resonated with me.  About 6 months ago I found myself on the quest to do my part against Anti-Bullying.

I wanted to focus on bullying prevention rather than increasing resources for victims.  No need for resources if you prevent it in the first place. 

In part, my focus was to find the emotional reasons behind children's/teenager's (even, gasp, adult's) need to bully.  I want to know the 'whys' and I want to stop that or at the very lest shed light onto the fact that those who do bully truely are the 'broken' ones in our society and thus aren't worth the harm they impact...at least that was my intent.  Until I realized that this would likely include about 90% of our current adult society.

"Whaaaat???" you say? How can this be? You think to yourself, "But I'm not a bully. I'm kind, and considerate and I would never intentionally hurt someone, verbally or physically, especially for no reason."

Let me ask you a question.

How many times have you stood in line in the grocery store, behind someone who's digging through their purse looking for change.  Or they've asked the cashier to bag their groceries a certain way.  How many times have you been there when the cashier has been rude?  Or on the flip side, when a customer has been rude to the cashier?  Or a customer rude to a waiter?  Have you done anything?  Spoken up for anyone?  Told a manager?

I have news...the lack of action, that's enabling bullying. And while you may not be the bully, you are witness to it and by sitting on the side lines watching, not taking any action to stop it potentially says "its ok to treat people that way".  Ironic that its part of what we're trying to teach our children not to do...not to sit aside and witness or enable bullying.

Or have you ever yelled at a customer service rep with a phone/cable/power company?

How about when you listen to a radio.  Ever listen while they read off "stupid criminal" stories?  Ever hear the radio host mock, critisize and demean the "stupid criminal".  Sure, one can argue that the "stupid criminal" can't hear the mocking but what kind of lesson are we teaching?  We're saying its ok to call people names as long as you don't know them?  Or as long as they can't hear?

 

How about People magazine? Or the other 'gossip' tabloids that delve into the lives of celebrities, working hard to dig up rumours, gossip, eye popping photos and even half baked lies.  Have you ever bought one of those magazines?  Knowing that perhaps some of the information in those tabloids is false, made up for sensationalism or is intended to be personal but some media person felt compelled to 'dig it up' for the sake of sales/money?

We tell our 5 year olds to stick up to bullies.  We tell them its not right, that they and those around them deserve to be treated with respect and then as adults we turn around and mock, laugh at the mocking or sit back and don't stand up when others are treated poorly or worse, we PAY for gossip photos or private rumours and 'juicy' details of others lives, likely ill-gotten or outright lies.   

How can we ask our children to stand up these things when we don't?

Recently on Facebook I read a comment by someone indicating they were ridiculing someone for not having money...being poor.  It took a lot of self searching and confidence building for me to say something.  I'm an adult.  I'm comfortable with myself, where I am in life, what I have achieved.  Yet still I hesitated because I didn't want to rock the boat or 'put myself out there' and stand up for something I felt was wrong.  I didn't want to call another adult out and make them 'own up' to the bullying-like comment.

I did it.  In the end it was clarified that it was a friend joking at a friend.  All done in jest.  Shortly after I recieved a PM from that individual, commending me on doing what I felt was right.  Even if it was in jest, the comment 'read' like it was meant to be demeaning and so I'm glad I drew attention to it.  Much like racial/ethnic jokes not intended to be demeaning.  The fact that society thinks such comments still have a place in our literature (even social media literature) is concerning and I think its up to us to fix that mentality.

Being "ok" with a demeaning comment because its directed at someone we can't see, who perhaps can't see the comment, isn't "ok".  If my daughter was calling another individual down behind her back, I would still express that its 'not ok'.   Spreading stories, lies and photos often not intended for our viewing; if it were a 14 year old child, not famous, being laughed at, ridiculed and mocked it would be touted as "bullying" but if its a celebrity its ok?  The celebrity is supposed to expect it because they're famous?  How do we teach our kids that this is wrong in schools, on social media if we're doing it in mass media?

Why is it ok to engage in this behaviour as adults?  Why is there one set of rule for adults but a completely different set for children or teenagers?  Why do we ask our children to be brave when we ourselves support this behaviour, we just lable it differently.

Bullying stops with us.  We need to teach our children through example as well as with words.  We have the power to change, the power to stop bullying. 

The question is, are we brave enough to be that example.

 

 

 

C is for Cookie...

...and Cancer.

I learned today that a friend has cancer. I felt compelled to write about it.  I'm not sure what I'm going to say about it, a lot has already been said. A lot has been said from people with much more insight and a lot more riding on it than I do.

I'm thankful for the fact that Cancer has only touched my life on the peripheral.   I had a Grandmother die of Breast Cancer long before I was born...early in her 40's.  I guess I should be more aware of Breast Cancer because of this...after all I will be 40 in less than 365 days.  I'm not.  I should be...but the reality is, life is too busy, too much to juggle that often we don't have time to sit back and review our maintenance of ourselves, our own health. 

I had a Grandfather die of Colon Cancer when I was young, in my early years of University.  I saw the impact of it from a young person's eyes, a young person still coated with the idealistic notion that life is 'good'.  Bad things happen to others and I will live forever.  Then I was only slightly charred by the experience of losing a grandparent, one who was in my eyes, old and had lived life. 

Over the years I've learned the hard way that 'bad things' do not just happen to others.  I am not immune.  And while I still haven't been proven wrong with my "I will live forever" concept, my confidence in it is dwindling...

In addition to my 41-year old friend, I have another friend who's 4-year old was recently diagnosed with cancer.  Again, both incidents on my peripheral but an eye opener.  Another reminder that karma does not work like it should, that bad things happen to good people, that prayer's do not make things 'ok' (at least not here on earth), and that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, life really is about luck, chance and circumstance.

So, as an outsider to the C word, looking in, how do we react.  Some of us share our sympathies, offer sometimes kind, sometimes inappropriate, sometimes inadequate words of support.  Some of us cook a meal, send a card, offer play dates, share books we've read or friends we know who have also shared the experience.  Sometimes we turtle, we don't know what to say.  We avoid the topic, scared to tread on unfamiliar ground, we offer the excuse of "maybe they don't want to talk about it", even if its the elephant in the room.  Sometimes we take another person's issues and make it about us...start checking every little bit of our bodies for strange moles, lumps, sending our children to the doctor for each little ailment.  Or sometimes we express our survivors guilt...express how bad we feel because our own lives are so perfect while someone else is sick, struggling to cope with the C word.

Here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to go home tonight, I'm going to hold my children close.  I'm going to tell my husband I love him.  I'm going to phone my mother and father, my sisters, my brothers...I'm going to tell them I love them.  I'm going to tell all my close to 40 something friends to 'start listening to your body'. I'm going to look up my friends address and send her family (who live across the country) a gift...in it it will include easy meals and perhaps a movie night...something light, something easy but something that will take off the stress of thinking about something trivial for just one night, hopefully a night that will bring that family together, even if only for one night.


Then, I'm going to continue to do what I have been doing for many years.  I'm going to support a cause that is likely going to impact me in my future.  Because the odds are the C word is not going to stay in my peripheral forever, for many of us, C isn't just for cookie.





Please also see:

"Stupid Things People Say to People with Cancer"
http://lisabadams.com/2013/02/27/the-stupid-things-people-say-to-people-with-cancertheir-families/

Relay for Life
www.relayforlife.ca

The Lowest Common Denominator

I find I'm seeing this more and more, in particular in various social circles: "The Lowest Common Denominator" and I'm not sure if this is a trend or its always been there.

 Perhaps its because social media has opened my eyes to many more social circles than ever before, glimpsing a demographic I never would have glimpsed before.  Or perhaps social media has evolved, allowing people to be more expressive in their "true feelings" (when in fact social media should, by now, be recognized as the WRONG place to be more expressive; unless you have a blog, then its cool to be expressive, its more of a pull medium than a push medium).

Or, maybe its this new movement towards teaching our children to bully less, share more, fight for more causes (all of which I think are good things) but also coddle them more, fail them less, celebrate mediocrity (things which I don't necessarily think are good).

Or maybe I'm just old and judgmental in my age and I have less patience for efforts that I perceived are "cries for attention".

Its the "Lowest Common Denominator" movement.  The movement that celebrates efforts to reach out, include, engage and embrace the Lowest Common Denominator.

For example, I'm part of a running club*.  A club that is ran by 'coaches' who we pay to provide opportunity to train and to participate in a weekly physical event.  Members of this club are from all levels of fitness (elite athletes and very new athletes).

Upon completion of this 12 week course of weekly runs, one participant praised the coaches on a social media forum.  The praise was, in short, thanking them for making the activity accessible for all levels and ability.

First off, in the event of the running club.  Of course they're going to cater to all levels.  We paid them money and we all paid equal amounts...did I mention we all paid them money?  Of course they're going to make it accessible to all.  Why does this generate so much praise?  Where did our society screw up so badly that a business is all of a sudden a hero for including the Lowest Common Denominator?

AND, this is not an isolated incident of individuals making a big deal over situations that, in my opinion, would 'naturally' without conscious thought, cater to individuals of various levels of ability.

Before I continue, I think its important to point out that I AM A LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR.  And I actually find it somewhat offensive to feel I need to be thankful for the opportunities being presented to me (especially when I pay for those opportunities).

One, either my money isn't as good as an elite athlete, or;
Two, I'm equivalent to the "fat person" Abercrombie & Fitch** doesn't want buying their clothes and thus not quite worthy of an effort.

Either scenario; I'm still offended.

Why do we need to appreciate being included?  Or, why do we need to take offense if someone faster, stronger, more skilled than us wants to surround themselves with equal level companionship or competition? Why are our feelings so hurt when someone says "no thanks" or our self worth so pumped up when someone says "yes please, join us"?

I am more confident in my ability (or lack of ability) that I don't need to feel offended if someone is better than me and doesn't want to run with the slower people (me included) usually because they want to run with equal athletes to aid in their performance...its not personal.  I'm equally confident when I do participate with those faster than me that I don't need to feel grateful that I'm included (or shout out from the roof tops that I'm grateful, hoping that others will 'get the hint' that they should too make an effort to accommodate The Lowest Common Denominator).

(And for the record, I don't need to wear Abercrombie & Fitch to feel good either and if they do start making XL or XXL clothes, I'll be equally inclined to not thank them for it).

So please stop being grateful. It makes me feel like I'm unworthy of the effort.  

I know I am (and you are) worth more than that.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent.
**For what its worth I had to look up the full name of Abercrombie &Fitch (and the spelling).  Apparently they are so cool and their marketing efforts so successful I needed to Google them.

Till Trash Do Us Part

Have I really been this immature my whole life.  Or, maybe it’s because that easy natured, fun loving guy I first met turned into Joe Pesci disguised in a 2013 Harrison Ford’s body (ok, I’m just kidding about that year part, all personality challenges aside my husband is still pretty hot, more like Harrison Ford 1990…of course this topic warrants a rant related to obsessive exercise all on its own but I digress).

Where was I?  Oh yes, emotional IQ levels in spouses, or lack thereof (yes, me included, I'm not that self centered). 

One thing (of many) about the XY half of our species is that I don’t get the ability to tune life out.

Not that I don't 'get to do it' rather I don't get the reasons why they do it or why they think 'tuning things out" fixes things (refer to Male Flow Chart: ie, if you ignore the problem will it go away, no?  Ok, will the wife do it?  Yes.  Problem solved.).  Wait, I think I just answered my own question here...

When the house is a mess, you have children crying all around you, whether they’re tired, hungry, hot, dirty, sick… (this list really has no end), dogs need feeding, the hole in the wall needs patching, etc, how does one sit so easily and tune it all out?  And since my earlier paragraph actually answers the 'how', my next question is how does one walk away from it and think they have been 'exceptionally' productive, possibly the most productive person in the house?

I want that switch!!!  And I want the right and indifference to use it as often as he does (which will also have to include the switch labelled “I don’t care about the repercussions of it all either”). I’m working on it and it’s sort of what I did last night…which of course addresses the immature topic I mentioned earlier.

Ok, I’m not saying I’m proud of the fact that I dumped our recycling on top of him while he was lounging on the couch (or as he would describe “productively channel surfing to find something to distract the girls”. Note: our children channels equal a total of 2 which is not quite time consuming enough to sit down let alone lie back long enough to leave an 8 inch deep imprint of his behind.  

I’m also not proud that, at 1 am in the morning I transferred the recycling from our living room to his side of the bed (on the floor thank you, I’m not that crazy).  My reasoning of course was so he would remember to take it out with him in the morning, something he obviously forgot to do before bed. Rather logical and considerate on my part I thought.

Suffice to say the recycling is still upended on the floor of our room, mostly on my side now after dear husband expressed his displeasure, perhaps from of having his route to the bathroom interrupted?? I can’t think of any other reason he would take offense to my very considerate reminder.

That “indifference switch” I’m striving for??  I may have found it.  Well, at least for this moment, as I sit miles away from the mess, behind a desk with the only impact of my efforts being a mental image and not the cold hard reality. 

Regardless, I’ll savour the moment, the immaturity, the indifference and bask in the small victory I have achieved… for now, that’s what I’m telling myself.  

Eventually it will get done, the Flow Chart doesn't lie.